Healing is Not Linear

One of my friends would use this phrase as a hashtag over and over in his pictures. The pictures would cover various mental health and cultural references. I never understood fully what he meant by “#healingisnotlinear,” until recently.

We all have our own mental health instabilities and it is so important to address them before they get out of our control.

Truth is, I push things out of my so long as their out of sight. It’s probably the most unhealthy form of healing. Today, on #worldmentalhealthday it caught up with me. All of these feelings that I have pushed aside for so long came out of me like word vomit. It spewed out of me, no control, no filter, every single thought was out of my head and into the ears of my poor friend. So so sorry.

In that moment I knew, healing is not linear. There is no way you can just wake up and be okay with something that was once engrained in you. There is no way that you cannot be expected to be haunted by the the positive memories, the crazy dinners, the wild drives, the ridiculous karaoke and just plain old adventures.

At one point it was almost your everything and today I learned that recovering from something that strong happens in waves. They come and go and it is absolutely okay. Healing is not a linear path. You don’t get a gold star at the end, because there is no end. Healing occurs at it’s own pace and sometimes it is okay and sometimes it is not. And I am officially okay with not being okay some days and being at my best some months.

I cannot just pretend something did not occur. It did. It all did and it was great. It was terrible. It was everything and nothing. But most importantly it is in the past. It will always be there because it is not here.

It comes back and forth in waves. Some days it’s a small ache in my chest, others it feels as if my heart was pulled out all over again and some days it is a mere memory.

Healing is not linear and I am okay with that.

I am okay.

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Adrenaline.
The rush.
Blood pumping through my veins,
ONE.
MORE.

Breath increases,
the end is near.

ONE.
FUCKING.
MORE.

There was never anything more exhilarating,
than beating yourself at the game
YOU MADE.

More.

Keep pushing.

DON’T YOU DARE STOP.

Push.

DON’T FORGET TO BREATH.

The room goes quiet.

The chest rises and falls,
faster….fast…slow…inhale

You did it.

The only thing standing in your way,

is

you.

 

Too Soon

Only God can fix the pain,
too soon,
too soon,
healing is not linear,
it comes in waves.

Too soon.
Focus, for doing in zen,
is doing in concentration,
zen involves simplicity,
zen involves a calmness in the mind,
enlightenment,
happiness.

Slow and steady,
waves,
emotions occur in waves,
I did not expect such anguish.

Waves,
zen,
too soon.

Too soon.

Homesick for the Beach

I sit here, with the warmth of the sun overtaking my skin. There is something that is so sweet about the weather: the way the sun ray set on my skin, the cool breeze runs through my hair and the clouds floating above me – scattered throughout the blue sky.

As I sit here, embracing the beauty of the weather is how badly I wish I were home; with the sea-salt filled breeze, overlooking the sea-waves. The promise of new love that feels of two old souls reuniting.

 

 

Dear You, – II

And so I found myself at a point – four years in – and it became a habit, no an addiction. Something you wake up in the morning thinking about, something you depend on during the day and the last thing you need before you sleep. Something that started off as an admiration quickly turned into a toxic relationship.

How ridiculous I was to assume that this could be the one thing I had always wanted, yearned for, prayed for.

If this was true you would have never assumed my feelings were invalid. You would have never told me I was a child. You would have never told me what I believed in was unrealistic. You would have never treated me as you did. If it was true you would never DENY everything, anything, all of it.

If it was true I would have never shed an ocean’s worth of tears. I would have never felt like I was never enough of. I would never contemplate changing my every being to fit into your mold. I would never question my every being.

I should have known this was doomed to begin with. I should have never hoped or dreamed. Truth is, my optimism was one thing that kept me sane. Matter of fact, the outside looking in, our relationship and so-called friendship was toxic.

The number of times I cried. The number of times you yelled. The number of times I came back after you treated me worse than any friend you had. You hurt me, so many times. You were embarrassed and ashamed of our friendship and the worst part was that you fucking denied every being in the wrong.

When you underestimate me, release your frustration on me and emotionally fuck with me – I should have left. Left whatever it was we were, but no I fucking stayed because you were sick, you were ill, you needed support. I stayed because I thought that is what true friends do.

Even when you were not saying things, your silence did. Even when we were apart, you managed to hurt me.

When you finally grew and learned that you were indeed toxic, horrible, awful toward me, it was strange to see you being kind. You treated me the way I should have been treated for the previous years. I did not know how to react. Your kindness was uncalled for, and that was when I realized. You as a human, was someone I only tolerated but could not bear to stay in contact with. I woke up.

Before I moved over 3,000 miles away, I woke. I felt terrible about having to leave, but I woke up. I felt the guilt of having a new life filled with opportunities I knew you longed for. But as the distance increased literally, I felt it increase figuratively.

I awoke from the slumber I had fallen, the slumber fogged by you, I awoke and knew that this could never be anymore. That even friendship was soul-aching. I could not and would not deal.

Your black clouds were no longer mine to be under. Your rollercoaster that only dropped, was no longer mine to ride. There was no more that I could do, I had my own life to lived and it was no longer going to be tied to you.

I let go of the one string that continued to have me tied to you. I could not be the person you leaned on anymore. I could not handle the burden of your sorrows, knowing that our love was so one-sided and unreal and unfathomable.

I am not going to continue to feel guilty for being successful. I am not going to hide my success. So I stopped.

I cut away. I know it hurt you. It was never going to be easy, but a clean break was necessary. I knew if I had tried to resolve it, there was a chance I would be reeled in.

History is powerful.

Strength is more powerful.

Determination is strength.

I was determined to build my life untied to you.

These strings no longer bind me. And you cut the very last ones, and it is okay. Whatever you need to do to ensure that your happy too. I know a friendship break is worse, especially one so convoluted like ours.

It must have been hard for you, hard to know that I let go. Hard to find another place to lean on. I hope you learn to find yourself, lean on you, stay strong to your faith and truly stay true to you.

Your sorrows brought me pain because I wanted you to feel the enlightenment I felt. Truth is love or not, that is something one needs to learn on their own.

So Dearest You, I hope you find love,
I hope you find peace,
I hope your soul heals,
I hope you have found a way to ease all the pain,
ease all the ache,
I am truly sorry,
but I love myself more than I love you.

And with that these are my last words to you. I wish you well.

-Me.