One of my friends would use this phrase as a hashtag over and over in his pictures. The pictures would cover various mental health and cultural references. I never understood fully what he meant by “#healingisnotlinear,” until recently.
We all have our own mental health instabilities and it is so important to address them before they get out of our control.
Truth is, I push things out of my so long as their out of sight. It’s probably the most unhealthy form of healing. Today, on #worldmentalhealthday it caught up with me. All of these feelings that I have pushed aside for so long came out of me like word vomit. It spewed out of me, no control, no filter, every single thought was out of my head and into the ears of my poor friend. So so sorry.
In that moment I knew, healing is not linear. There is no way you can just wake up and be okay with something that was once engrained in you. There is no way that you cannot be expected to be haunted by the the positive memories, the crazy dinners, the wild drives, the ridiculous karaoke and just plain old adventures.
At one point it was almost your everything and today I learned that recovering from something that strong happens in waves. They come and go and it is absolutely okay. Healing is not a linear path. You don’t get a gold star at the end, because there is no end. Healing occurs at it’s own pace and sometimes it is okay and sometimes it is not. And I am officially okay with not being okay some days and being at my best some months.
I cannot just pretend something did not occur. It did. It all did and it was great. It was terrible. It was everything and nothing. But most importantly it is in the past. It will always be there because it is not here.
It comes back and forth in waves. Some days it’s a small ache in my chest, others it feels as if my heart was pulled out all over again and some days it is a mere memory.
Healing is not linear and I am okay with that.
I am okay.