And so I found myself at a point – four years in – and it became a habit, no an addiction. Something you wake up in the morning thinking about, something you depend on during the day and the last thing you need before you sleep. Something that started off as an admiration quickly turned into a toxic relationship.
How ridiculous I was to assume that this could be the one thing I had always wanted, yearned for, prayed for.
If this was true you would have never assumed my feelings were invalid. You would have never told me I was a child. You would have never told me what I believed in was unrealistic. You would have never treated me as you did. If it was true you would never DENY everything, anything, all of it.
If it was true I would have never shed an ocean’s worth of tears. I would have never felt like I was never enough of. I would never contemplate changing my every being to fit into your mold. I would never question my every being.
I should have known this was doomed to begin with. I should have never hoped or dreamed. Truth is, my optimism was one thing that kept me sane. Matter of fact, the outside looking in, our relationship and so-called friendship was toxic.
The number of times I cried. The number of times you yelled. The number of times I came back after you treated me worse than any friend you had. You hurt me, so many times. You were embarrassed and ashamed of our friendship and the worst part was that you fucking denied every being in the wrong.
When you underestimate me, release your frustration on me and emotionally fuck with me – I should have left. Left whatever it was we were, but no I fucking stayed because you were sick, you were ill, you needed support. I stayed because I thought that is what true friends do.
Even when you were not saying things, your silence did. Even when we were apart, you managed to hurt me.
When you finally grew and learned that you were indeed toxic, horrible, awful toward me, it was strange to see you being kind. You treated me the way I should have been treated for the previous years. I did not know how to react. Your kindness was uncalled for, and that was when I realized. You as a human, was someone I only tolerated but could not bear to stay in contact with. I woke up.
Before I moved over 3,000 miles away, I woke. I felt terrible about having to leave, but I woke up. I felt the guilt of having a new life filled with opportunities I knew you longed for. But as the distance increased literally, I felt it increase figuratively.
I awoke from the slumber I had fallen, the slumber fogged by you, I awoke and knew that this could never be anymore. That even friendship was soul-aching. I could not and would not deal.
Your black clouds were no longer mine to be under. Your rollercoaster that only dropped, was no longer mine to ride. There was no more that I could do, I had my own life to lived and it was no longer going to be tied to you.
I let go of the one string that continued to have me tied to you. I could not be the person you leaned on anymore. I could not handle the burden of your sorrows, knowing that our love was so one-sided and unreal and unfathomable.
I am not going to continue to feel guilty for being successful. I am not going to hide my success. So I stopped.
I cut away. I know it hurt you. It was never going to be easy, but a clean break was necessary. I knew if I had tried to resolve it, there was a chance I would be reeled in.
History is powerful.
Strength is more powerful.
Determination is strength.
I was determined to build my life untied to you.
These strings no longer bind me. And you cut the very last ones, and it is okay. Whatever you need to do to ensure that your happy too. I know a friendship break is worse, especially one so convoluted like ours.
It must have been hard for you, hard to know that I let go. Hard to find another place to lean on. I hope you learn to find yourself, lean on you, stay strong to your faith and truly stay true to you.
Your sorrows brought me pain because I wanted you to feel the enlightenment I felt. Truth is love or not, that is something one needs to learn on their own.
So Dearest You, I hope you find love,
I hope you find peace,
I hope your soul heals,
I hope you have found a way to ease all the pain,
ease all the ache,
I am truly sorry,
but I love myself more than I love you.
And with that these are my last words to you. I wish you well.