Dear You, – I

Dear You,

These are my last words to you, because I do not have the ability to send them to you in any way. The capacity for which these words are able to reach you are now so limited. Truth is, maybe I do not want these words to be sent to you. Maybe, these words are meant to be left unsaid, as the rest of our relationship was.

Brace yourself, indeed, this is meant to be a long list of last words to you. Now call me melodramatic, or whatever you must, but this is my truth. These are my words. These are my feelings. This is me. This is the power that I have, the power that is written through these words.

I loved you. I loved you with all that I had, and this is where I went wrong. I loved you platonically. I loved you romantically. I loved you like family. I loved you more than I loved myself.

I always put you first. Regardless of the circumstance, I always put you before me. I made you priority. Your feelings. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your necessities.

It really is not your fault at all. I gave you all of this. I thought I owed you. Owing you from a time I can barely remember, owing you for a person I no longer am. Eight years later, and then and only then I began to understand that this is not what real love should be.

In those eight years, there were good and bad. It was not immediately that I fell in love with you. You started as someone I admired, professionally. Someone I yearned to truly be like. I thought if I hung out with you, I would somehow become as great as you were. I idolized you and idealized you. This is unfortunate and where I went wrong. You were my role model. I became sucked into this idea and it was terrible.

When something went wrong with me, I became dependent on the idea of seeking validation from you. Truth is, whatever I did never appeared to be good enough.

This was not something you explicitly stated to me, it was my idealized version of you. I never felt smart enough as my ideas were always brushed under the rug. You made me insecure, but I never understood it.

I should have stopped it. As soon as I felt inferior to you, but I edged for more and fed your ego. I fed it and then you fell. Whether it was for me or you plummeting into your darkness. Once you fell, I felt the need to pull you out.

This was the halfway mark. I should have left, but how could I leave you in your despair. I was in love. I cared about you so much. More than I could care for myself, it was evident in my failures just to ensure that you were smiling or could succeed.

Your one step into darkness, your tears, your hurt became my pain. I could not bear to see it at all. But I stood by you the entire time. It felt so important and necessary and just the right thing to do.

Part I end




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